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Personal Help?

 Ok, so, I have a problem.

This may seem like a stupid problem to be hurting over; but...well let me explain:

This last weekend, I went to Fan Expo in Toronto (Toronto's version of ComiCon). On the Sunday, the last day, I met this guy...And I think I fell in love.

For you to really understand the problem, I should probably give you some background story...

First off, I've never been in a relationship. Yes, you read right; I'm 21 and have never been in an actual relationship. I don't really have a definitive answer as to why. I know that I'm self contentious about my appearance, I have higher standards, and don't really know how to behave in a relationship and that fear of making a miss step and losing that person is crippling. So there are a few reasons.

The closest I've ever come to having a relationship was in college; it lasted little over 2 weeks. There were 2 reasons that I broke it off.
1) He was a horrible kisser. Every day, I would actually sit in the Caf at lunch and pray under my breath that I wouldn't see him, because I didn't want him to kiss me hello. I was angry that he had completely ruined my first kiss by coming at me with an open mouth. The thought still makes me shutter.
2) The second...some might find a stupid reason. He said that he loved me. Over the phone. A week and a half into the relationship. And I was... disappointed. I...I guess I have this rule: You can be in love at first sight, but you don't say it until at least a 2-3 months in. That way, the Puppy Love/Crush/Just Lust stage has time to either melt away, or grow into something deep and true. Even though I have never had that deep capturing love, I still believe in it. And I don't think you should tell a person you love them, until you actually love them; not just the person you imagine or perceive them to be. 

In the end, I ended up stressing myself out to the point of making myself sick, and so I ended it.

Before, I get into the real situation, I just want to address one thing, as I think that a lot of the responses that I'll get will be along the lines of: "You should just believe in yourself."

Being Self-contentious About My Appearance
I am a slightly bigger girl. Not obese or grotesque by any-means, but still bigger than a size 6 (try 18). I'm actually fairly okay with my size; I've accepted me. It's just apparently other people who find be unappealing.
Example I: I told my mother about Eric (the guy that I met), and the first thing out of her mouth was, and I quote: "That's great, does he like chubbier girls?"
Example II: When I was 14 my father told me, quote: "I don't care if you have to stick your finger down your throat, I want you thin and looking presentable."
Example III: When I was younger, the only way my brothers (who are 12 years older than me) would let me hang out with them, was if I reenacted scenes from the movie Tommy Boy, specifically: "Steph-y want wing-y." (My name is Stephanie, that's why that was apparently so funny.)

Okay, so, everyone clear? No reviews about; "You should just believe in yourself!" "You shouldn't listen to what other people say!" or "Looks don't really matter."
Looks matter to me. I think I'm beautiful. I'm curvy, have a great smile, and good personal hygiene. It's others that don't approve.

Okay! Now! On to the problem at hand.

As I said, I went to FanExpo, and met this guy, Eric. He was, without a doubt, one of the best looking guys I've ever seen. In my eyes, he was more hansom than Johnny Depp, Robert Pattenson (sp?), or any other movie star. Put together! (although, put together wouldn't really be very appealing at all, would it?)


This was a big deal for me, because I've never, and I literally mean NEVER been physically or esthetically attracted to anyone. Ever.

My costume was a vamp from Buffy. You know; bumpy deformed forehead, fangs, glowing yellow eyes, the works. Not exactly the sexiest thing I could have been wearing, and definitely not something that you fall in love with at first sight.

That's what happened to me. I think. Love at first sight. When I first saw him, he was joking around with some friends, dressed as the 10th Doctor, and pretending to use his sonic screwdriver to destroy a real live functioning Dalek. I couldn't see his face at first; but he was tall and quite lean, with short messy brow hair. Then he turned.

I think I purred.

You know how, when we're little, we have an image of what our ideal mate would look like; but we can never truly see their face, just imagine their features?

Well, when I saw him...it was like it all just clicked, you know? Like...I don't know...like the fog of my imagination had lifted and I saw the man that I had created come to life in front of me. That may sound overly cheesy or dramatic, but hey, I'm a writer, and that's the best way I could describe it. :D

Anyway, when he turned he had this silly grin on his face, and I couldn't help but grin too. I can just imagine how goofy I looked, laughing alone as I watched him and his friends goofing around. He didn't see me, or if he did I never noticed.

What can I say; I was infatuated. I tried to integrate myself into his crowd; he was trying to help someone that was having a gadget malfunction, and they needed a screwdriver. I always carry my pocket knife in my purse, so I walked over and offered to help. As pathetic as this is going to sound, and believe me, no one realizes it more than me, I swear I stopped breathing when he turned and grinned at me. It was one of those movie moments where your mind goes blank, and all you can do is grin stupidly back. Don't worry, I didn't embarrass myself. I didn't have time. As soon as I had the knife and gadget in hand, he patted his friend's shoulder and said something like, "she's gottcha" or "she'll help you", and walked off. I don't think disappointed or disheartened  are strong enough words for the strength of both emotions that came over me.

I did what I could for the guy with the broken gadget, but was unable to help fully. 

Dejected, I headed up stairs to the top floor. Earlier, I had been walking by a random booth, and stopped to look at what they had on their table, which wasn't much, and one of the girls just handed be a raffle ticket and said that the raffle would be held at 3:00, and the prises were 4 different BBC series seasons and a bunch of Doctor Who action figures and sonic screwdrivers. Now, I have been looking everywhere for the Doctor Who seasons that don't cost an arm and a leg. In this, they didn't have the seasons, but they had a box set of specials, that I already had. That's what I won, the specials.

Now, I ask you. If you won something, that you already had, and you know that the man you are "crushing on" (hate that term), is a huge fan of Doctor Who like you, what would you do?

Me? I'm pathetic, and did what I've always done to try and get people to like me; I gave it to him. (I don't mean I gave myself to people to get them to like me, but when I was younger I would buy my friends; candy when I was younger, then jewelery and gifts, then the money ran out, and so did the friends.)

I went up to him, touched him on the arm (I still get butterfly's. God I'm pathetic.), and asked him whether or not he already had it. He said no, so I handed them over. He grinned at me, and I swear to god, I literally melted. Seriously, my knees shook. I told him I was giving it to him because: 1) I already had it. And 2) He was the best Doctor I had seen.

Which was true on both accounts, but you and I both know the real, full reason, don't we?

I suppose I wanted to say something else; strike up a conversation or something. But I couldn't think of anything to say. I froze. I was sure that my silly little infatuation was written all over my face. So, like the quintessential Mary-Sue, I blushed, stuttered, and got out of there as quickly as I could. Looking back the whole way.

Once I got out of the crowd that had built up around us, and across the room, where I could observe without being in the way, I watched as he grinned like a little boy on Christmas. It was so sweet, I couldn't help giggling. First he tried to put it in his coat like he was stealing it or something, then he looked around him, and literally dashed (I didn't know you could do that out of cartoons or anime) to a few of his friends, showing them his new "treasure".

I like to think he was looking for me the few times his head whipped around as he spoke to his friends, but I think that he was just looking for who he was going to show next. After he had put his movies away, and I have pulled together enough resolve to get over my perceived embarrassment, I came around my "hiding place", and merged back into his group. From then on, he seemed to be all around me. 

I didn't have enough courage, or anything to say, to go back up to him, so I stuck near the guy who's gadget I tried to help fix. It seemed, to my wishful way of  thinking, that as soon as I "reappeared" in his group, he was always close. Even though I was talking to someone else, every time I would look up, to find where he had wandered off to, I would find him close by laughing and talking animatedly with more of his friends.

Eventually he came back over to talk to me, well, us I suppose, as, by this point, I was part of a small group.  I did my best to keep up with the conversation, but unfortunately, I hadn't seen nearly as much Doctor Who as the rest of them had, and on top of that, what I did know was a nearly even mix of the show, and what I had read in FanFiction. Needless to say, I was so glad when the language part of my brain told me to just shut-up and listen, and stop making an ass out of myself. 

Any way, that's pretty much how our interaction ended. As we were all talking, he would wonder off, go talk to someone else, or pose for more pictures. But he always came back. It was like he was checking in, making sure we were okay.

Eventually, his group decided to leave. And not only did I not get the chance to say goodbye, but I didn't get his name either. As he was leaving, I was stuck in a conversation that I couldn't politely get out of, so I was stuck just watching him go. As soon as I could, I bid the girl I was talking to goodbye (she seemed to be quite happy with my leaving now that I think about it...) and rushed out after him as quick as I could without knocking someone over. But when I got to the side walk outside the building, I couldn't see any of them. Not him nor his friends. I started walking towards the train station, in the ardent hope that he might be taking the train home as well, and if I was extremely lucky (which I usually am) he might even take the same train as me; and then I could get his name!

But no such luck. No Eric, no big group of friends. Nothing.

I felt sick to my stomach, at the thought of that brief (and, albeit, one sided) interaction being the only one I would ever have with this amazing guy.

So I did what any girl would do. I jumped on Twitter. My exact entry was: "I think I just fell in love with a guy at fanexpo. He was dressed like the 10th doctor, and I didn't get his name. I am desperate to find him."

And guess what...someone did. :D Simply by chance, this wonderful girl managed to pick up my post before the Expo was over, and found him. Unfortunately, she was unable to get his name, and deemed that "he will forever be the elusive 10th Doctor."

But I wasn't about to give up just yet; in the next day or so, people would start to put up their pictures of the Expo, and surely he would get posted, and someone would tag him, and then I would get his name, and could add him on Facebook. (Anyone creeped out yet? Ya, me too.)

In the end, I didn't actually have to wait that long. The girl from twitter messaged me back the next day around noon. She had found him.


So, I added him to Facebook, he accepted, and Tuesday night, we chatted for hours.

Last night, I rushed home from work, logged on, and waited. He never showed. 

Tonight, as I sit here writing this, I have been on for roughly 7 hours. He was on.

As I had initiated contact nearly every time before, I wanted to give him a chance to be the first to speak. You know, I just wanted him to give me even the littlest fraction of a hint that maybe, just maybe, some tiny, minuscule, fraction of himself felt something...anything...for me in return.

He was on for about an our or so, and logged off without a word.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 2nd, 2010 09:01 am (UTC)
Ooh, the name Eric is one of my favs (many happy connotations)...I'm half in love with him myself!
I know you don't want to hear this but it looks like you've fallen into the friendship zone. Give it a few days, or a week, and try again. If he doesn't "bite" then you know exactly where you are - or aren't to be more exact. Sorry love. :'( I know exactly how this one feels.
Sep. 2nd, 2010 03:59 pm (UTC)
Follow up...
Hey there, I just wanted to thank you so much for your response to my latest post. I also have a thing for the name Eric. My mum always thought I was a bit barmy because when I was younger, I had a dream that my mate would be named Eric (and with this spelling to :D)

I also think you're right about the friends zone thing. Although, even so, I guess I just wish that he would make some kind of effort; I mean, when your friends are on line, you pipe up and say hi, don't you?

I guess I'm just putting too much stock in the coincidences of our meeting, you know; seeing him everywhere I went, despite there being over 60,000 people there, randomly being given the last raffle ticket, when everyone else had to pay, winning the one DVD set that I already had when there were over 3 dozen different prizes. I really only discovered Doctor Who about 3 weeks before the convention, and he turns out to be dressed as the 10th Doctor? To follow, what are the odds that some random stranger on Twitter, who had never met neither him nor I before, was able to find him and get his full name, on just my one sad, incomplete description/plea? And last but not least; what are the odds that he would have the name Eric, spelt the right way, and be around my age, live (at least) near the same city, and be going to school close to mine, and be working on a project that directly impacts my field of study?!

And yet, with all that, all those "signs" staring back at me, he felt nothing. I think that's what hurts the most: that I have all of this stupid, pointless emotion, and he's completely unaffected.

By this point, I've regulated myself to waiting. If there really were that many "signs", then surely, I've done all I can in getting him to notice me. If there really were all those signals, then surly, if something's really meant to come of it, there will be more right? More signs, more pull. I guess, for a non religious person, I'm relying heavily on my faith in the universe right now.

It seems the be my only option.

; )
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )